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On the Debate of Trans Women and their Womanhood

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“When people talk about, ‘are trans women women’ my feeling is that trans women are trans women… [i]f you’ve lived in the world as a man with the privileges that the world accords to men, and then sort of changed, switched gender, it’s difficult for me to accept that then we can equate your experience with the experience of a woman who has lived from the beginning in the world as a woman, and who has not been accorded those privileges that men are.”

 

These are the words of feminist author, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, during an interview with the UK based Channel 4 news, that has stirred up much controversy among transgender and feminist circles. Since the controversial interview, Adichie has since clarified her remarks twice, disavowing any charges of transphobia while maintaining that there’s a tendency to overlook the differences between the experiences of trans and cis women:

 

“I think the impulse to say that trans women are women just like women born female are women comes from a need to make trans issues mainstream. Because by making them mainstream, we might reduce the many oppressions that they experience. But it feels disingenuous to me. The intent is a good one but the strategy feels untrue. Diversity does not have to mean division.”

 

On its own, the point about diversity about among women is, of course, a valid one, but this response is a red herring. Adichie’s response evades the issue at hand: namely, her questioning the womanhood of transgender women. Let’s be clear; Adichie never draws the distinction between cis and trans women, at least at first. When she talks about trans women, she speaks about them as if womanhood doesn’t properly apply to them. Of course, the experiences of trans and cis women are different, but that does not mean that trans women are not women, which is precisely what Adichie suggests when she distinguishes trans women from women, which is different from recognizing trans women as a sub category of women in much the same way as white women, black women, cis women, poor women et al are.

 

Laverne Cox, American LGBT advocate and actress, rejected Adichie’s comments about male privilege as it relates to trans women on account of the feminist idea of intersectionality (please see Kimberle Crenshaw), a notion that highlights the overlapping of various social identities within any given person and complicates simple binary frameworks that distinguish between those who oppress and those who are oppressed in social hierarchy. More to the point, it’s not at all obvious that transgender women, having been born male, benefit from male privilege in the way that Adichie suggests once we consider trans women’s relationship with masculinity, in particular . Cox, in fact, goes further, denying that she herself had any benefit at all from male privilege:

 

“ I was a very feminine child though I was [a]ssigned male at birth. My gender was constantly policed. I was told I acted like a girl and was bullied and shamed for that. My [f]emininity did not make me feel privileged.  I was a good student and was very much encouraged because of that but I saw cis girls who [s]howed academic promise being nurtured in the black community I grew up in in Mobile, Ala. [g]ender exists on a spectrum & the binary [n]arrative which suggests that all trans women transition from male privilege erases a lot of experiences and isn’t intersectional.”

 

As a friend of mine pointed out on social media, much of the controversy that has arisen as a result of Adichie’s comments turns on an underlying tension between the idea of gender as a social construct and what we might call popular “born-this-way” LGBT discourse. More specifically, with regard to the latter, it is common among liberal circles to claim that transgender folk were born with the gender with which they identify. It’s a tension that I don’t pretend I can resolve within the span of a few hundred words, but reflecting on what we mean by gender as a social construct, an idea I affirm, promises to illuminate much on the matter.

 

Gender is often defined as a subjective feeling in more liberal circles, but this definition, on its own, does little to capture the full range of the experience of gender. The more nuanced truth is that people don’t self-identify in isolation from others; we are after all social animals. And in this respect, Adichie is correct in pointing out that the ways in which our appearances and behaviors are interpreted, which correspond to how we are treated given a complex backdrop of crosshatching histories, symbols, and practices, are important to shaping our experiences of the world, and these things matter in terms of assessing our ‘situations’ within the world. As Adichie notes in a Facebook post following her interview:

 

“…[T]he truth about societal privilege is that it isn’t about how you feel. (Anti-racist white people still benefit from race privilege in the United States). It is about how the world treats you, about the subtle and not so subtle things that you internalize and absorb.”

 

The social dimension of gender is what frames Adichie’s emphasis upon ‘male privilege’ as she discusses transgender women and their relation to womanhood. But we still need to unpack this notion of “privilege”.

 

As someone who was identified as male/boy from birth but now identifies, more or less, as agender, I come somewhere in between Cox and Adichie when I reflect on my own experiences. The expectations of manhood caused me great pain emotionally, physically, and psychologically to the point of suicidal ideation, but I definitely enjoyed some privilege of being read as male in my pre-androgynous days. There are some things with regard to bodily autonomy that I just didn’t have to go through that I now experience whenever I’m read as a woman. My privilege in this case did not depend upon how I felt, whether it was about the unfairness of the expectation that women’s bodies are violable, the hurt masculine norms or expectations caused me, or my self-awareness. Regardless of my feelings, the world treated me in a certain way that resulted in particular experiences that others routinely do not experience or expect to endure on account of factors far beyond my, or anyone else’s, control.

 

Privilege and the lack thereof are descriptive facts of the matter given the ways in which persons are situated in the world; these are not things one is necessarily able to give up. So, critical discussions about privilege are not about reprimanding those who have them on account of them simply having privilege, but rather about developing an account of the world we inhabit that will in turn guide us in creating a more humane existence given who we are and what we have become.

 

The upshot of highlighting the social dimension of gender identity, which I confirm with my own experiences, is that it is, at least possible, and indeed plausible, for trans women, who do not evade scrutiny of societal gender norms, to benefit from male privilege regardless how they identify. At the same time, it would be wrong to infer from this that all transwomen bear the same relationship to male privilege.

 

Standpoints are useful in this regard by allowing us to situate our individual experiences within this complex intertwining social web that circumscribes our lives, but the reason they are useful in this way is the same reason that it’s a mistake to restrict our understanding individual experiences in terms of already available abstract notions like “Womanhood” or “Male Privilege”. At the very least, cis folk should prepare to defer to transgender and gender non-conforming folk when talking about our experiences.

Get Out: How Black Stereotypes May Ruin Your Sex Life

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Get Out: How Black Stereotypes May Ruin Your Sex Life

If you’re like many of us who have watched Jordan Peele‘s polarizing (pun intended) film “Get Out,” you noticed quite a few symbolic references to Black life. As a Black Sexpert, I couldn’t help but see things from an intimacy point of view. I’ll be discussing my takeaways each day this week.

 

Get Out Movie

“Size Does Matter” Thinking Was Perpetuated by Slavery:

Sure, every culture has their version of a “pissing contest,” but few cultures can provide historical evidence of being generationally objectified and hyper-sexualized. In “Get Out”, the main character Chris, (played by Daniel Kaluuya) was assumed to be genetically predisposed to physical fortitude because he is Black. Furthermore, he is objectified by older, White women (and others) and one even asks “is it true?” The question alluded to an age-old stereotype that Black men come with larger phallic equipment than their non-Black counterparts. Large penis size is then attributed to sexual performance.

The problem is, generational stereotypes can (and often are) insidious in their ability to push past the reality we know and rest directly under our innermost insecurities. This leads us (yes, women get it, too) to be uncertain of our actual capabilities as well as our worth as intimate partners and humans if we don’t live up to these predisposed expectations.

If you’ve spent your whole life thinking a bigger penis is necessary to please your partner, you may feel dejected and thus unable to reach your actual (and adequate) potential. This goes for women and body ratios as well (i.e. the big butt phenomena).

Get Out
{insert horror orgasm face}

Throughout slavery times, the Black male was objectified in every facet of the word. Used for their physical strength, they were sized like farm cattle and sold in similar fashion.  To add insult to injury, many of them were used as sex slaves for heterosexual and homosexual slave owners. Prize fighting further reduced the Black male slaves’  worth down to fighting for one’s life, often while scantily clad or naked. I don’t have to explain how sexual that is in nature. In the non fiction memoir ” When I Was A Slave,”  former slave John Finnely recalls witnessing slave fights on the Alabama plantation where he was held captive until his freedom.

As many of us who have had more than one sexual partner can attest to, size is not necessarily relevant to sexual prowess or performance. Size doesn’t equal skill, nor does it guarantee any specific level of intimacy. Black men have been praised for their sexual prowess and physical aptitude while simultaneously being vilified for those same traits. Ultimately, this stigma has created a paradox where men do not know whether to exhibit their virility for all to see or keep it intimate and be seen as lesser than.

 

The Message:

Self-reflection is super crucial to maintaining inner-esteem when you get woke. It’s so easy to fall into the “sunken space” and feel like you’re not enough. Once you focus on quality relationships and individualized pleasure for your partner(s), you are able to recognize the quality of your work and your abilities.

 

The next time someone asks you if “it’s true,” you can stand there like Captain Morgan and say “wouldn’t you like to find out?”

 

Resources:

Geek Tyrant

Attn

Goodreads

Amazon

Moonlight: A Meditation on Black Male Masculinity and Social Death

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Moonlight: A Meditation on Black Male Masculinity and Social Death

 

Great art allows you to peak into the hidden depths of another’s consciousness, and Moonlight does just that with unparalleled grace and brilliance, in recent memory. Barry Jenkins’ Moonlight offers a glimpse into black life that’s never, to my mind, been at the forefront of mainstream consciousness, black or otherwise. The film chronicles the life experiences of Chiron, the film’s protagonist, in three distinct stages: as a young child; as an adolescent coming of age; and as a grown man. A core theme of the film, the hyper-masculinization of black men and boys, in particular, is a subject for a much needed discussion that has happened but has often obscured the soul-crushing traumas that black boys experience, gay or otherwise. In this respect, Moonlight is particularly illuminating, especially in the way it presents Chiron’s relations to other boys and men throughout his life.

*** Spoiler Alert ***

 

Moonlight

A Brief Synopsis

In the first third of the movie, we encounter Chiron as a withdrawn child, who has great difficulty connecting with others in no small part due to his precarious upbringing. The opening scene begins with a young Chiron frantically running away from a group of boys his age, taunting him relentlessly with homophobic epithets and threats of violence. In a desperate effort to escape, Chiron takes refuge in what appears to be an abandoned tenement, and it is there where he meets Juan, a Cuban immigrant, who becomes a mentor for Chiron. As the narrative progresses, we learn that Chiron’s mother, Paula, is a crack addict, who is often unavailable to provide for her son’s emotional and basic physical needs. Because of this, Chiron spends a lot of time with Juan and his girlfriend Teresa, who, together, become Chiron’s support system. Later on, however, it is revealed that Juan is a drug dealer, who also happens to be Paula’s supplier; this undoubtedly leaves a lasting impact on the young Chiron. Besides Juan, the only other connection that Chiron has with another male is with Kevin, his childhood best friend, who is a constant source of encouragement.

By the second third of the movie, we learn that Juan has died, but the cause is never mentioned. At this point in the narrative, Chiron is an adolescent in high school, who is still rather isolated from his peers. The bullying has intensified, physically and emotionally, and his mother’s dependence on drugs has become so out of hand that we witness her stealing money from her son as she threatens him with violence. Teresa remains a constant support for Chiron, feeding him meals, giving him money to help support himself, and offering him a place to stay away from the traumas of life at home. Kevin and Chiron are still the closest of friends, but we witness a sexual element enter their relationship for the first time: Kevin frequently brags to Chiron about his sexual conquests in explicit detail as Chiron fantasizes privately about seeing Kevin in the act. Eventually, the two friends share an intimate moment one night, revealing Kevin’s bi-curiosity, but as the narrative progresses, their relationship quickly deteriorates when Kevin, egged on by the school bullies, punches Chiron repeatedly in order to prove his masculinity. The scene ends with the bullies repeatedly kicking and stomping Chiron bloody. Days later, Chiron retaliates against the ring-leader, striking him repeatedly with chair during class, unprovoked. Chiron is escorted off the premises by police, as a stunned Kevin watches. In the end, Chiron serves a prison sentence.

 

Moonlight

 

In the final act, Chiron has become an adult, now living on his own in Atlanta. He has developed his familiar thin frame into a muscular one decorated with tattoos, and he has acquired a commanding and seemingly self-confident demeanor. Like his father-figure, Chiron has become a drug-dealer, but he seems ambivalent about his habit. He lives not too far away from his mother, who resides in a drug rehabilitation facility. In his mother, we witness a woman who has become more self-aware, accepting responsibility for failing in her obligations to her child, and in Chiron, we witness a hurt son who finds it difficult to sympathize with his mother’s struggles but who nevertheless forgives her, in spite of apparently unresolved wounds.

 

The central image of this final act, however, is Chiron’s reunion with his childhood best friend, Kevin, who has become a successful chef. The moment is exhilarating, at first, because the way it comes about seems so unexpected, but it quickly becomes a somber one as Chiron reveals to Kevin that he has never been touched by anyone else the way Kevin touched him so many years ago. The movie ends with a moved Kevin embracing his old friend.

 

Moonlight Analysis

While themes of black queer life are central to the film, it is unclear whether Chiron, or Kevin for that matter, are, in fact, gay or bisexual, which only adds to the film’s brilliance. Consider the young Chiron we encounter in the first act of the film. Clearly, the boy isn’t even old enough to know what sex is, let alone mature enough to even think about a self-identity, in any way, yet, he is constantly written off as a “faggot”, a “sissy”, a “homo”, even by his own mother. While the viewer is not privy to the specifics of what triggers the abuse Chiron faces, it is obvious that the great difficulty he has with socializing with his peers is enough. His silence, his awkwardness, and his timidity, are all traits that make him an easy target in a culture that expects young boys to be aggressive. Of course, those traits imply nothing about sexuality, but the fact that they are associated with femininity, and with male homosexuality by extension in heterosexist logic, is enough to merit the abuse heaped upon Chiron, in the eyes of so many around him.

 

For them, it didn’t matter whether Chiron was actually gay; his crime was his ‘failure’ to be a man, even as a prepubescent child. This child’s grave ‘sin’, in sum, is his difference. It’s, in fact, a set of differences from cultural expectations that many black boys and men share, which clearly show that LGBTQ black boys and men aren’t the only victims of homophobia, a point I’ll return to later.

Many might view the sex act between teenage Chiron and Kevin as evidence of latent homosexuality, but this judgment is colored with inconsistent cultural biases regarding sexuality and gender. In the West, we formally conceive of sexual orientation as an enduring quality that reflects sex or gender-based preferences with regard to romance, companionship, and sexual activity, but the standards for assessing sexual orientation are arbitrary in practice. Up until that intimate moment between the two teenagers, Chiron, though clearly interested in his friend, lacked any real sexual experiences whereas Kevin was sexually active with girls. No single act reasonably determines sexual orientation on its own, yet this act is the sole basis of assessing Chiron and Kevin as gay. To the point that has been repeated ad nauseam, we know that if Chiron and Kevin were girls that they would not necessarily be seen as gay for engaging in same sex activity.

 

The double standard is often justified by popular ad-hoc rationalizations such as the claim that female sexuality is more fluid than that of males. At the same time, it’s common-place in our society to deny boys and men the freedom of exploring themselves beyond the stringent confines of masculinity as defined by culture(s). That boys and men ‘break the rules’ of masculinized sexuality is not evidence that male sexuality is any more fixed than that of females, which together with the fact that many of these ‘sacred’ rules are arbitrary, undermine the notion of a sharp distinction drawn between female and male sexuality.

Moonlight Movie

 

The open-endedness of the final scene between Chiron and Kevin unlocks the true brilliance of the entire film. Up until the final embrace between the two friends, it is obvious that there is a mutual urge for re-connection and fellowship, but the span in time between when we witness them as teenagers and their meeting as adults leaves us viewers with little with which to characterize their relationship. As the two interact, we’re left wondering about the motivations for Kevin to reach out to Chiron after so many years of non-communication, the intentions of Chiron in choosing to meet with his child-hood friend, and about the possibility of a romance in the future. Their contact discloses no insight into their respective self-identities or sexual proclivities, which makes the final scene all the more haunting in its poignancy. In the final analysis, those questions about the definition of their relationship are secondary to the tragedy Chiron highlights with his final words: his ongoing loneliness that he’s never been able to overcome but for that one moment in time with his dear friend so many years ago.

It’s a loneliness that can befall anyone. More than anything, the film is about the pains of growing up and coming to terms, hopefully, with who you’ve become. We are each thrown into a world that beats the individuality out of us from an early age. For some of us, the experience is far more brutal. Some of us don’t even survive. And for many of us who still breathe, we aren’t even aware of just how much of each of us is already dead.

 

Have you seen Moonlight yet? Feel free to share your thoughts!

 

Resources:

www.adorocinema.com

Nerd Reactor

Being Transgender: the Politics of Sex and Gender

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[spu popup=””]transgender symbol with a green background [/spu]Several weeks ago, Milo Yiannopoulos, the-then-darling of the so-called alt-right, made his controversial appearance on Bill Maher’s Real Time with Bill Maher for the usual banter Maher engages in with his guests. Much of the controversy was not about what Yiannopoulos said but rather with what Maher did, which was to find common-ground with the self-proclaimed troll, who has described BLM as a terrorist organization, denounced feminism as a cancer to society, and denied the existence of white privilege, among other indefensible remarks. There is much to be said about the appalling spectacle, but one thing that stood out to me was the post-show discussion about transgender people and bathroom policies. The audience’s reactions to Yiannopoulos’ claims about transgender people and Bill Maher’s unbearable passivity were particularly egregious. By way of illustration, Milo’s description of trans women as men “confused about [their] sexuality”, from whom cisgender women and girls must be protected, in his view, was met with loud applause. Maher even described Milo’s remarks as “reasonable”. The more incendiary claim about transgender women being the predominant perpetrators of sexual assault was barely met with a rebuttal. And while all of these claims are demonstrably false, the audience’s responses to them were not at all surprising, considering that we live in a time in which 7 transwomen have been killed since the start of the new year at the time of this writing, the average lifespan of a trans woman of color in the U.S. remains 35 years, and the federal government has recently removed protections for trans students in public schools. Is it really surprising that even in a nominally ‘progressive’ space, transgender narratives are done violence?

Much of the hysteria surrounding the subject of transgender lives and identities stems from confusion and ignorance about (biological) sex and gender more generally. In the U.S., sex and gender are often treated as synonymous terms in casual conversation, which is a reflection of our institutions. The many forms people are required to fill out for various purposes in life often designate referents of sex, ‘male’ and ‘female’, as gender descriptions and referents of gender, ‘man’ and ‘woman’, as descriptions of biological sex. While the sex-gender distinction I employ here is not universal, it is more adequate than what we can call the sex-equals-gender view in explaining the full range of human experiences, transgender or otherwise.

Specifically, the sex-gender distinction illuminates the arbitrariness with which societies have delegated roles on the basis of gender and sex. Historically, many feminists have understood ‘woman’ as a term that denotes social and cultural facts such as ‘social position’, which they distinguished from anatomical features. The general upshot of this view is that it is possible for women’s status in society to change; the inferior position of women in society is not an unchangeable given. In Simone De Beauvoir’s words, “[o]ne is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” The usefulness of the sex-gender distinction becomes even clearer when we recognize that what it means to be a man or a woman, masculine or feminine, means different things across time and culture; at the Smithsonian, for example, there’s a photo of a young FDR in a dress, which was typical for American boys then. It wasn’t odd for ancient Egyptian men to wear eyeliner. Other present day societies, such as the Bugis of Indonesia, recognize five genders, in contrast to the Western binary. Of course, biological sex is itself a construct, as the existence of intersex people attests, but this fact in no way undermines the usefulness of differentiating gendered social expectations from anatomy.

But gender isn’t merely about social roles and expectations; it is also about identity. Briefly, gender identity refers to a person’s subjective experience of their gender, which may or may not correlate with the sex (and gender) they were assigned at birth. Given the myriad ways human beings have structured their societies around norms of sex and gender, it is no wonder that in a society that limits gender expression and identity to a mere binary that many individuals naturally feel out of place. To be trans in western society, is to, at a minimum, identify with a gender experience that is not conventionally associated with one of the two prescribed sexes one has been assigned. Considering the many gender descriptions that fall under the scope of this definition, transgender is often, though not always, treated as an umbrella term for these multiple identities: these include genderqueer, bigender, agender, androgyne, transmasculine, transfeminine, non-binary, among others.

Once we properly contextualize our understandings of sex and gender, it’s hard not to see that many of the common-place views about transgender people have no place in respectable conversation, let alone political discourse. One notorious example is the debate over pronoun usage when addressing transgender and gender non-conforming individuals. It’s common for transphobic people to dismiss the idea of respecting people’s preferred pronouns on the basis of the need to preserve ‘natural’ distinctions; transgender people are somehow making up their preferences in a way that cisgender people are not, in their mistaken view. As already discussed above, gender is, in a sense, all made-up, but that isn’t to say it is not real. The concept has real and material affects upon our lives, and that should be taken seriously. It is simply wrong to misrepresent or deny experiences that are not your own. To this point, Milo’s description of transgender women as ” confused about [their] sexuality” is highly disingenuous, at best. The assumptions that underlie judgments about the sexuality of trans persons are straightforwardly heterosexist and often are inconsistent. It’s astonishing how many times the same people who think trans people (read women) are gay also think that trans women are lusting after cis women and girls. The way a person understands and expresses their gender is not their sexuality, and their choice of which restroom to use has nothing at all to do with ‘sexuality’. It is particularly reprehensible that Milo, a gay man, uses the word “sexuality” in the same sentence as “girls” and “women” to conjure feelings of disgust and resentment toward people who are subject to threats of violence and death far more than the general population.

What Maher and Yiannopoulos fail to understand is that words sometimes have life and death consequences, and there are certain things over which we can’t agree to disagree.

3 Skin Care Beauty Products You Need Right NOW

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Skin Care3 Skin Care Beauty Products You Need Right NOW

Many people ask me how my skin is “so soft,” “so clear,” “so perfect,” and my first answer to them is always, “good genes,” with a shrug. No seriously, my family has amazing skin, and everyone knows it, but my family isn’t the ONLY reason why my face is kept in pristine condition. It’s my three holy grail beauty/skin care products I cannot live without, which I’ve managed to guard better than my sorority’s secret rituals. For one time and one time only (which is eternal because this is the internet…), I’m sharing my skin care beauty secrets with you. So get prepared; open that notes app, grab your laptop, or pull this post up once you’re at your nearest beauty store of choice.

 

 

Mario Badescu Facial Spray:

MAJOR GAME CHANGER! I never knew anything about added benefits of rose water before I started using this product! All I knew at first was that boogie people sprayed their face with rose laced water and somehow they were ~glowing~. Naturally, being into trends and fads, I decided to give it a try. Verdict: I’m never not using this stuff. I’m on a plane all day every day which leads to very dehydrating conditions (not to mention radiation exposure), and on days where I need a pick me up mid-flight, I spray this mist on my face and voila! It’s like magic in a bottle! My skin is instantly brighter and I’m looking a heck of a lot better than before. The passengers always notice! The all natural ingredients help revitalize and rejuvenate dull, dehydrated skin. This offers to sooth and restore vitality back to the skin. It’s great to toss into your bag for a mid-day boost or to set your makeup for a naturally dewy finish.

Skin Care

Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Cleanser:

This cleanser somehow magically sucks any and all dirt and oil from your face, while keeping it clear and supple for a more youthful, radiant appearance. I use this when removing my makeup for the day, massaging this into my skin and washing away with warm water. In the morning, I rinse with cold water for a cool and refreshing wake-up. I love it because of the oils like Avocado oil and Apricot oil help to prevent stripping of the skin and restore moisture as well as retaining clarity. Say bye bye to harsh blemishes! Pro-Tip: it’s sold at Nordstrom Rack for a couple dollars off the site price of $19 for a 2.5 oz travel friendly tube. And before you give the price flack, a little does go a long way! It took me 6 months of continuous use to finish a travel size by only using a small dollop every time!

Skin Care

 

Montagne Juenesse 7th Heaven Tea Tree Peel Off Mask:

This affordable and soothing peel off mask refueled my obsession with face masks (which started when I was a little too young to even be using them, to be honest!). With Tea Tree, witch hazel, and Canadian willowherb, this mask does well to target the t-zone and hormonal areas. Think of spots like the chin, which are common to become enflamed during that time of the month. The mask also rids the skin of impurities, an added bonus, but take note: it isn’t meant to remove makeup. That is an odd, but common misconception. Use a makeup remover wipe to remove the makeup, and wash your face. Sit back and relax while the mask dries, after 15 to 25 minutes peel off, rinse, and pat your skin dry for a smooth, glowing face. The added bonus: it’s less than $2! It’s a skin care steal that proves you don’t necessarily need to ball out to have great skin.

And there you have it, my top three beauty secrets that are fool proof for soft, flawless skin. Even if you are prone to acne or sensitive skin, I’m no dermatologist, but I know for a fact that the Kiel’s Ultra Facial Cleanser does wonders for skin. I’m also a die hard sucker for sugar and coffee scrubs, which you can get right here on VforVadge. Remember, taking care of your skin keeps you looking and feeling radiant and sexy all from within.
With all that said, go forth my child. Spray, cleanse, and sooth to your heart’s content, update your skin care routine, and feel free to thank me later!
What’s your current favorite skin care product or regimen?

Romantic Dates that Won’t Break The Bank (Featuring Groupon)

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Romantic Dates that Won’t Break The Bank (Featuring Groupon)

Hubby has progressively been getting better with planning date nights for us. It’s not like he didn’t pick good places to go before, but I am actually impressed with his selections over the past year or so. I’ve been all “Oh my goodness, how much did you spend on this?” until I figured out his secret.

He’s been using Groupon.

 

It’s funny, because I’ve used Groupon to buy cool items like electronics or discounts on breakfast at restaurants I frequent (I’m looking at you, Einstein’s). I never really thought to buy event tickets there. Well, he changed my mind!

 

[Note: This post contains a sponsored link to Groupon, but the opinions are all me!]

Groupon

 

For Valentine’s, he surprised me with a 90 minute boat ride around Fort Lauderdale. It was supposed to include a meal on a private island, but the bridge was inconveniently being serviced. Nonetheless, we had a great time cruising on the sunny day on the Jungle Queen, fantasizing about our future home.

 

Groupon


Groupon

We saw a Jamaican flag on the back of a boat, and it belonged to Usain Bolt! Funny enough, there was a group of fellow Islanders behind us who cheered as well. Seeing that was such a treat, and definitely made us proud.

 

Groupon

The views were breathtaking and the breeze was perfect. Both of us migrated to South Florida from northern locations (he Canada and I New York), so we really can appreciate a good, warm day.

I really appreciated the money he saved, because I splurged on such a surf and turf meal – I couldn’t even stop to take a pic! All I could get you guys was a photo of my dessert before I dove in.

Groupon

 

So, the moral of the story is – don’t underestimate Groupon. You get the opportunity to save on awesome events and splurge on other parts of your date. Trust me, he/she will be impressed. I sure was!

 

Have you ever used Groupon for a date? Tell us more about it! 


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How Much Do You Know About Condoms? Featuring Skyn.

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How Much Do You Know About Condoms? Featuring Skyn.

 

In my line of work, I talk about sex pretty much every day. It’s what makes it most fun for me; chatting casually with clients, readers and followers about their preferences. One conversation that never gets old – condom choices. There are always stigma around certain ones, and it’s great to dispel some of the info floating around the sex world. Today, let’s talk about condom statistics and play a little game (and a Skyn giveaway) while we’re at it.

 


Skyn

Condom Facts:

Condom Use: 65% of millennials report using condoms ‘always’, ‘most of the time’, or ‘sometimes’

·         Condoms and Confidence: Condom users are more confident in their abilities in the bedroom compared to non-users, with 61% of condom users reporting they are “amazing” or “very good” in bed compared to 41% of non-users

·         The Condom Purchasing Gender Gap: 36% of females say they never purchase condoms, compared to only 9% of males

·         V-Card: 68% of millennials lost their virginity by age 18. The average number of partners for males is 9.42 compared to 7.92 for females.

·         One Night Stands and Condom Usage: Of the 2/3 of respondents who have had a once night stand, 62% of them said yes to using condoms.

 Enter to Win our Skyn Giveaway – Who doesn’t want free protection?

Craving more knowledge? Check out the History of Condoms.

Skyn

Resources:

Lifesyles

Win Skyn, Get Skin

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Win Skyn, Get Skin

 

It’s super easy to enter and win our Skyn giveaway, all you gotta do is:

  • Like us on Facebook 
  • Like any of our Facebook posts
  • Retweet the giveaway tweet
  • Answer our question below

Dassit!

 

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Valentine’s Day for Porn Lovers

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Valentine’s Day for Porn Lovers

Special holidays like Valentine’s, Christmas, Halloween and Thanksgiving (yes – Turkey Day) can show a spike in different types of porn views. I’ve gotten together with PornHub and Mashable to see where VDay stands in the midst of all these “blue movies.” The stats are pretty interesting.

“Your own plans this Valentine’s Day might depend on whether you’re dating, married or single. But we soon discovered that regardless of relationship status, Valentine’s Day has a significant effect on traffic to Pornhub and the terms people search for.

With passion reserved for pleasing partners, Pornhub traffic drops as much as -17% after 6pm on Valentine’s Day, with the peak drop happening around 9pm. Traffic to the site recovers somewhat towards midnight, but stays below average for several hours, perhaps because people already found the love they were seeking.”


Pornhub


When we break down traffic changes by gender, we find that women proportionately have a larger decrease of around -22% at 9pm on Valentine’s, while traffic from men drops by -16%. Men visit Pornhub at an average level right up to 6pm, but women see significant drops throughout the afternoon, going as low as -12% at 2pm.

Porn hub


Traffic on Valentine’s evening drops as low as -19% for visitors under the age of 34, but the 18-24 group hit’s their low an hour later at 11pm versus 10pm for 25-34s. Interestingly, the 25-34 traffic is below average throughout the afternoon, but the 18-24 year old group has equally above average traffic during the same time period. 35 to 44 year olds have a sudden +4% increase in traffic around 6pm, before dropping off after 8pm and reaching a low of -15% at 10pm. 45 to 54 year olds have the least change on Valentine’s evening, with a low of -12% at 10pm. Visitors over the age of 55% have the earliest traffic drop of all age groups, down nearly 10% between 6pm to 7pm.

Porn


On average, traffic across the United States drops by -10% from 6pm to Midnight on Valentine’s. Nevada has the largest drop during this time period of -22%, followed closely by -20% in Massachusetts, Rhode Island and New York. The states that are least likely to give up Pornhub on the most romantic of all evenings are Minnesota, Louisiana and Vermont with only -2% traffic drops.

Porn


Searches containing the term “Valentine” begin to increase in the days leading up, with a massive +1093% increase on Valentine’s day compared to average daily levels.

Porn


Other related search terms increase significantly on Valentine’s Day. Searches containing “love” go up by +269% on average, but with a much larger increase of +335% by men, and 203% by women. Men are also +203% more likely to search for “passionate” (compared to +124% for women), and +223% for “romance” (compared to +98% for women).

Visitors looking for some tips to please their partners are more likely to search for terms like “massage” (+148%), “seduce” (+111%), “sensual” (+101%) and even “kinky” (+115%).

Porn

 

The couples who invest more time in dinner and dancing, might be responsible for a +74% increase in “quickie” to end off the evening, and for something new to try, “bondage” searches increase by +71%. And let’s not forget about the babysitter that was left at home. Searches for “babysitter” porn increase by +34% for women, but only +13% for men.

To all our dedicated Pornhub fans, we love you all and wish you the best this Valentine’s. If you don’t find true love, Pornhub is always here to lend a hand – and I’m here with the lube!

The Valentine’s Gift You Don’t Want

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The Valentine’s Gift You Don’t Want; Which States Have the Most STDs?

 

Love is in the air and all that cliche stuff thanks to Valentine’s Day, but what’s really out there? Before you consider a V-Day fling, check out these STD stats and see where your state lies (or lays, pun intended).

 

Valentine's

 

Between Tinder, Grindr, and other very NSFW websites, casual hookups are an all time high. With increased casual sex comes some bad news: STDs have reached all times highs, according to the CDC.

To help you get your game on while staying safe, we put together a list of the best and worst states for STDs in America. To create this report, backgroundchecks.org used CDC data on STDs, state and county health agency data, and social media surveys. For empirical data, we used a rate of incidents per 100k residents normalized for population. We attached a weighted average to CDC and state health data, and factored in survey data to get our final rankings:

The Most Diseased States Ranking

So, was your city on the list? Mine was – New York came in at number 13 with a Weighted Disease Score of

Sheesh.

My current state of Florida is number 25 with a Weighted Disease Score of 321.4.

 

We’ve got to do better, people!