Sex Education for the Real World…

 


Awkward Question: Help – Save My Marriage!!

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Posted September 3, 2014 by Kimani in Y.A.Q.
Awkward Question: Help – Save My Marriage!!

I’ve been going back and forth with myself in regards to actually sending you this email for months now. I thought I could fix it on my own but it is obvious to me now after numerous failed attempts that the issue may be more complicated than I first believed it to be.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. Sex life was amazing up until last year after I gave birth. He loves it and it’s actually annoying to me how often he requests it. I dread the moment when he rolls over at night. I’ve really put some thought into it and I’ve ruled out me being a lesbian, and I know that I still love him. I just don’t get those feelings often anymore and when I do they are fleeting. Anything longer than 10 minutes and I’m like forget this, get off of me.

I know that my physical insecurities may be putting up a barrier and the extra responsibilities in the house probably don’t make it better, but I want to fix this. I don’t want to be the reason that what we have falls apart. I recently planned a stay-cation for us to see if time away from our regular life would bring back that old feeling, but it was a complete and total flop. I still wasn’t interested. Now there we’re definitely other factors that interfered with out little getaway such as him getting a stomach virus and most of our party plans being cancelled because of it, but I still expected to be able to enjoy a couple of nights ALONE with him.

I have suggested counseling for other issues in our marriage, but I feel like I’m the only one to blame for this particular problem. He tries, and he reassures me that he doesn’t notice the many flaws I point out regularly. Although, and his lack of affection outside of the bedroom may be a factor too. It really sucks not to be able to be the woman you want to be for your husband.

SO tell me… do I need a psychologist? A therapist? or should I just suck it up and go to the gym so I can be happy with myself and therefore be happy with my husband again? Please help me save my marriage!

 

– Anon Ymous

 

 

Hi “Anon,”

First, thank you for contacting me with your concern – it takes a lot to acknowledge a problem and even more to seek assistance.

From the outside looking in, it appears that your personal insecurities may be turning you off from intimacy. As women, sometimes we over think the process when we really should be enjoying the moment. I had my first child last year, so I know first hand the changes that our bodies go through and recover from. Your husband clearly loves you throughout and regardless of your current journey.

Quite frankly, we often have the answer to our questions stored inside ourselves and it seems like you have a clear understanding of your needs. Therapy is a great way to hash out underlying issues in a neutral setting – you can tell hubby how you feel about the lack of PDA and work towards improving it. The gym/exercise may help your overall mood as well as get your body to the state that’s most appealing to you. Biologically, exercise releases chemicals that make us feel good AND increase our sex drive. Don’t be surprised if you’re the one initiating it with time.

Keep in mind through all this, that it is completely normal to feel the way you do. Finding healthy solutions early on can definitely get your marriage and love life back on track. The phrase “happy wife, happy life” rings true as you are able to manage the household better when you take time to make yourself feel good. Everything else typically falls into place shortly after.
I’m actually working on a feature about fitness and sex drive – just goes to show that you’re not the only one on this earth with the same concern. Please continue to show your husband love throughout your quest, and I am positive that everything will work just fine.

If you have any more questions or just need to vent – I am always available at vforvadge@gmail.com.

Love and light,

Kimani

 

Photo via http://www.onlymyhealth.com




About the Author

Kimani

A NY transplant in Florida, Kimani has taken on the task of educating the world on sexual health and education. The Mount Vernon native has seen AIDS and HIV spread through her community like wildfire, and hopes to cease the transmission of these and other diseases one person at a time. If you know better, you're inclined to do better.

  • fromthegardentable

    I was very glad to read this because I suffer from the same thing. I know a large part of it is body image (after having gained a good amount of weight over the past couple of years) but also now that our children are getting a little older and involved in extracurricular activities as well as our schedules have gotten so crazy (and me also starting a home business) my mind is so preoccupied with everything that needs to be done. Best of luck to her as she works it out!

    • Kimani

      Life often takes away from our private lives and makes us so busy, we forget intimacy. I hope you find the time and enjoy it!

  • I feel more comfortable being intimate with my husband when I’m eating right and exercising because I feel better about myself, and that shows through. But I wouldn’t look past seeing a therapist. Sometimes having an unbiased ear listen to you helps a ton!

    • Kimani

      I feel the same way. Once I started to work out after having my first child, my body and mood improved at the same time. Thanks for your feedback 🙂

  • I too am going through something similar and was wondering the same thing. Thanks for posting this, lets me know I’m not the only that may feel this way.

    • Kimani

      Absolutely, it’s the reason why I share these anonymously. We never know who else is experiencing the same issue. Thank you so much for sharing ♡

    • Kimani

      That’s exactly why I post these anonymously, we never know what others are experiencing until they share with us. Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • My husband and I have made up a rule for when the other one doesn’t feel in the mood. You can deny sex, but you can’t deny a shower. We both feel better during a shared shower. We also put God in the center of our marriage so our marriage is not about us, but glorifying God. My husband may not feel perfect, I may not feel perfect but God created us perfectly and put us together perfectly. .

    • Kimani

      That is an excellent idea, April – thank you so much for your valuable input. I think the shower helps to decompress and leaves us in our most vulnerable state (nudity). We can bare it all and let the negative energy go down the drain. God as the basis for any relationship is a great plan for success.

  • It’s funny because she already answered her own question. Your response was spot on as well. This is one of those situation where communication is everything. (coming from a person who has to build herself up to have a discussion with her man)

    • Kimani

      Absolutely! We often don’t want to acknowledge that we have the answers, and a second opinion basically reaffirms what we already know. I think counseling will create a neutral medium to yell, scream, cry and go home to a more healthy environment.

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