American Sex Ed and Island Cultures

I am a first-generation American. My parents got their citizenships when I was in High School, I believe. Growing up with Island parents, the stereotype was always that sex would never be a topic of discussion. Even living in America, with the sometimes-y level of sex education we were taught at school – most of my peers’ lessons were learned in the streets.

Just don’t do it. Or you’ll get pregnant. 

Fortunately for me, I had a very honest and open mom. She was slow to anger, never judged me for my decisions and made sure the channels were open for communication. We’d sit home in the evenings and watch Maury (an age-old talk show you kids probably don’t know about), and she’d ask me my thoughts on being pregnant as a teen. How I’d feel if I had a baby and the father didn’t want it – or me. Those kinds of conversations put sex into perspective for me. I was equipped to not have it unless I knew I was ready. Even though I didn’t quite wait until I was ready – but that’s another story.

When I looked around at my friends, however – they weren’t having those conversations with their parents. They weren’t talking about sex at all. In fact – they were talking about sex with me instead. It then became my duty to educate my peers on the truths about sex. I think I’ll debunk some myths later on today…

Anywhoo – this got me to thinking. What is sex education like to my other friends who have Carib/Island/Foreign/Older parents? I decided to poll them – which I love oh so much to do.

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Jamaica:

I started with myself: 

“Both my parents were raised in Jamaica. My father never talked to me about sex until he found out I lost my virginity. He thought making me uncomfortable was the best way to keep me away from sexual activity. My mom was more open, and made sure we had casual conversation about sex; we even watched Maury together so I could see what it’s like to be a thotty baby mama. She made me knowledgeable and unafraid to say no – or yes.”

C.C. – “My mom never talked about sex.Everything I learned about sex, I read about it in books…

My mom taught me nothing about sex, or my body or feelings or boys or nothing… Everything I learned was from reading books & listening to other Ppl … My Aunt told me about my period, so I wasn’t frightened when I got it… I read up more about it on my own… Funny this is, my mom was a registered nurse, you would think she’d be OK talking to us… Mind you, she had 5 girls…

When I got pregnant, I didn’t tell my mom either… Again, I turned to books to diagnose my symptoms… My mom didn’t know I was prego until the 7th month… She just thought I was fat.. I was chunky anyway.”

A.H. – Jamaican parents.

Father: When I got my period at 11, my mother wasn’t home, so he told me to go to the bathroom and wash up. When I came out, he said, “you’re a woman now, you can get pregnant and have kids”. He didn’t say “how” I’d get pregnant. That was the end of that.

Mother: “I don’t want nuh B.O.Y. inna mi house, mi nuh want nuh B.O.Y. ah call mi phone!”

That was the jist of sex education. They were super religious. Very restrictive. Going to Catholic school didn’t help either. I had so much GUILT!

My first sexual encounter was at 12.

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Trinidad:

Kat:  “My mom, Trini, was very sheltered growing up & she didn’t want the same for me. I dont think she knew how to approach the subject, so she bought me a book about sex & reproduction when I was around 11.
It was based on Christian values. She always encouraged & answered any questions that I had, while preaching abstinence. LoL. It worked until I was almost 19.”

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Vic: lmaoooo may her soul RIP , granny used to tell us when we were kids… if a boy touches you, you will get preganant. So don’t let any boy touch you!

I remember maybe two weeks after a boy in school, back home.. touched my shoulder. I came home in dreadful tears ” im pregnant”. She sat me down quick, what do you mean.. i relayed the same thing she told me and said he touched my shoulder… myy granny laughed so jolly….

But my mother, spoke to us not in a way to scare us, but explained and dicussed. My mom has always beena great teacher… mommy and I talk about everything

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Haiti: 

Y: Sex….I learned that all on my own. It was never talked about. I also learned about my menstrual on my own. Sadly but island folks are the worst when it comes to educating their kids bout sex.

 I use to touch myself from young. Got beat all the time for it.

Haitian folks are the worst..smh. i learned about sex from movies, friends and porn.

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Steve: Haiti. They didn’t tell me anything about it. My father did constantly tell me stories of coworker’s children that seemed to ruin their lives after getting someone pregnant.  I figured sex was taboo since they never talked about it. I stole my cousin’s porno tapes and bought nudie magazines. Great but shocking stuff to me.

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Mimi: Both parents are from Haiti and they never sat down with me to talk about sex. Neither did my siblings, they were too busy. I learned from movies, porn and friends.

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Hyp: Haitian my mother gave me the talk when I was 8, I knew about gays, sexual intercourse , molestation etc. My mother was on her own as a child so she wasn’t pampered so she made sure I wasn’t either.

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St. Croix:

Dame: I Grew Up with a mix of street/porn/older male cousins and RN’s in my family.
I learned the facts. And all the myths.

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Panama: 

Riss: My paw paw told me that when a boy touches me it is going to feel nice…but don’t worry about those things until I finish school…mammie didn’t tell me much…i figured things out on my own…using the mirror…watching porn…reading Anais Nin novels…and sex ed in school…didnt help that I went through puberty at 8 either.

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Mixed Ethnicity:

Dee: Pops is French Canadian/ Haitian moms from the south. My folks were rigid explained sex and relationships early *pre-teen. Won’t tell a story. To keep it simple my pops told me never mind woman make something of yourself first. Woman ain’t going no where. He taught me to think with my mind and not my dick. No unwanted pregnancies no woman drama in my life.

Drew: Well my father is from St Kitts and my mother is from Antigua …… My father never mention a word about sex to me…… I really never ask nor why he never talk about it. My mother waited until I was in college to say anything and the only thing was said was here (hand me condoms) and travel and live your life before you have a child ……. I learn by school (sex ed) and listen to my friends. Also watching all the mistakes my friends went thru so that I can avoid making …

S.C.: There was none in my house. I didnt even get the birds and bees talk after getting my period. I got abag of pads. And later on false accusations that I was [having sex], lol. I learned from BET Uncut, friends and self experience.

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America:

N.W.: From [America] and my parents were open about it. My dad was a P.E. and Health teacher. Plus momma started out when I was young on adults not to inappropriately touch my sister and I. Then my dad being open about his sexual experiences as well.

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Trina: This might freak some people out (it has in the past but I remember other little fast asses like me so I can’t be the only one)… but I remember being like 6 and masturbating, having friends over, boys and girls, and playing “doctor”… one time I got caught with a boy at age 5, before I was really sexualizing it, and it was cute and funny to my mom.. the next time I was 6 and it was with a girl and my mom flipped out.

We weren’t naked or anything, just playing “shine the flashlight down our pants”… I remember my parents, as much of “hippies” that they were, and memories of my mom walking around naked, my mom was a huge prude. If there was nudity on tv or sexuality she’d leave the room. She beleaguered the lesbians she worked with at home, talking about the “lewd” comments they made. It wasn’t her fault.

She was raised in a very puritan household, with a German/French mother and an Italian father from the Bronx. My mom suffers bi polar disorder and it really started showing when I was 7 or 8, and starting to really masturbate like a fiend. At age 13 she ransacked my room and found condoms, my dads playboys, a few drawings I did and from then on there was a “search” of my room every few weeks. This didn’t stop me from being a little sex addict.

I was super confused by my attraction to women and would draw them in pretty graphic sex scenarios and when my mom found that she would make me sleep with the lights on, take baths with the door open. It got progressively worse as I got older. Oddly enough I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18. I was raped by 4 guys along with another girl on a trip to DC at 14…. I remember her saying it was my fault over and over. I don’t count that as losing my virginity.

After I lost it at 18 I ran around and slept with any and everyone until about age 25… that’s when I got married, and, oddly enough, that’s when I started stripping. I was the only stripper that was married, didn’t cheat, didn’t do private shows and didn’t do champagne rooms that I met. It was the most sexually liberating period of my life because I felt I had total control. I could walk in a club and assume this personality (“Sasha” – pre-Beyonce) and own the place. If there was another Sasha, I insisted she change her name, even if she was there before me.

AND.. odder than that, I was living with my parents for 6 of those months and they never caught on. My mom even washed my outfits once thinking I worked at some fancy cocktail bar and just wore crazy underwear…. I swear….

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So – there you have it. Different walks of life, different ethnic parental backgrounds – similar stories.

It reminds me of why my job is so important. There are young people out there with no one to get credible information from. It’s up to sex health educators like myself to ensure comfortable, safe outlets for their questions and concerns. Curiosity doesn’t always kill the cat – but it usually gets her pregnant.

What was sex education like in your household? Feel free to join in the conversation below – no need to use your real name (unless you want t0).

Big thanks to all my friends who shared with us today.

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Read “WHY I GET UPSET WHEN MY DAUGHTER SAYS SHE IS “BLACK””

This post is in collaboration with jenniferpriest.com as part of a multi-cultural blogger exploration facilitated by Alt Summit, Latina Bloggers Connect, and Blogalicious. We decided to talk about our experiences with race, being that we are both multi-cultural people raising up multi-cultural families. 

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