How to Know if Your Relationship is Ready for a Threesome

by Dr. Yvonka De Ridder

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Threesomes are one of the most common fantasies every couple has at one time or another. I am happy to say that it is 99.9% normal. But the idea of sharing your partner with a stranger or even a friend can elicit many confusing feelings if you haven’t thought it through or talked it through properly.

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So how do you know if it’s just a fun fantasy or something you’re really ready to try? Every couple (every person!) is different, but there are a few majorly important factors to consider. For instance:

Are you both equally aroused by the idea?

First and foremost, this needs to be a desire or predominantly shared interest. We all want to make our partner’s sexy dreams come true if we can, but (ideally) it should be a hot experience for us as well. Are you both on the same page about threesomes? If everyone’s not equally into it, the experience could be pretty unpleasant.

Do you both fantasize about it separately? Does it only come up when you’re drunk? Do you feel like you or they are just going along with it? Think about these things before making any serious plans.

Are you sexually uninhibited around each other?

If you have a lot of hang-ups in the bedroom, adding an audience certainly won’t help things. A threesome is likely to have a few awkward moments at the start and can turn wild and experimental. If you’re going to walk away with a lot of regrets or embarrassment, you may want to reconsider.

However if you and your partner are up for anything and have fun no matter what you try then you could probably handle the curveballs a threesome might throw. Remember to loosen up and be open while sticking to any boundaries you’ve discussed beforehand.

How strong is your relationship?

I don’t mean “are you in love?” People can be in love and still have a fragile relationship. I mean how many “tools” do you have in your toolbox when it comes to the skill sets needed to get through tough times? Have you been through lots of difficult ordeals and worked together to resolve them? Do you both communicate your feelings honestly and listen to each other without judging?

If you’re going to test the waters of your relationship with a threesome, you need to communicate regularly and honestly. And you need to remember that you’re always on the same team – there’s no room for jealousy and bitterness.

If you don’t want to do something it’s important to be able to tell your partner so without them getting upset. This is important to remember before, during and after any sexual play with them and others.

Do you or your partner have jealous tendencies?

Threesomes can be hot to talk about, but if either of you gets jealous easily it probably won’t work out and you may not be ready. If your partner gets uncomfortable when you hang out with someone who may be a sexual interest, or when you make comments about others being attractive, how do you think they’ll feel when you’re naked with someone else right in front of them?

The same goes for you. Imagine the reality of being there watching your partner tangled up in someone that’s not you, kissing and pleasuring them. If the thought makes you cringe, you’re probably not ready for the real thing.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never be ready! You’re just not there yet. It’s normal to always have a little bit of that feeling, there is such thing as healthy jealousy, but when the excitement of the experience your sharing with your partner surpasses the jealousy, it’s a good indicator you may be ready.

Do you and your partner have unresolved past issues?

If there’s any history of physical or emotional infidelity in your relationship, a threesome could open up old wounds. Just telling yourself it will be fine isn’t enough, you need to really address those concerns before you try anything.

The same goes for any sexual insecurities. Lots of people try threesomes as a way of “spicing things up” in the bedroom, but this could backfire if you or your partner enjoys sex with the new, spicy third too much.

Talk through your desires and concerns with your partner before you think of bringing anyone else into the mix. Be completely honest. It’s better to recognize a bad idea before it happens!

Have you considered who your third might be?

Choosing a third is maybe the hardest part of a threesome. If it’s a friend things may become awkward later. If it’s a stranger you don’t know that you can trust them. So who do you ask?

It’s not a bad idea for your first threesome to be a one-time affair with whatever third person you choose. That way there are no expectations of future play if you don’t enjoy it, and you don’t necessarily have to see them again. It’s also not a bad idea to try to find someone experienced in that lifestyle. Swingers clubs and websites are often full of people looking to just have fun but who have done it all before and it may be intimidating.

Meet up with the person first! See if you both like them and find them attractive, and make sure they can prove that they are clean. If they’re not patient enough to go through with all of that, then they may not be the right person. However, for some the prep process can be tedious, if this is the case, shift your focus on making it a bit more spontaneous but this can be risky for health and safety reasons.

Threesomes are tricky business! But take your time and talk things out, and they can be some of the most exciting experiences of your sex life. Communication is one of the single most important factors that can help make sexual exploration experiences positive.

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ABOUT DR. YVONKA DE RIDDER:

Dr. Yvonka De Ridder is a sex therapist, clinical sexologist, and

 relationship expert based out of Tampa, FL. Dr. De Ridder has a M.S.

 in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Capella University, and

a B.A. in Psychology from the University of Tampa. She’s also the CEO

 of Love, Live, Therapy, LLC, a practice she began to help prospective

patients in the field of marriage counseling and sex therapy, as well

as the resident ‘sexpert’ on Tampa Bay’s top FM radio station, 102.5

 The Bone. De Ridder has recently come aboard the Jasmin.com/JasminTV

 ‘sexpert’ team to lend her knowledge toward repositioning the brand

 and helping to further a social cause regarding the expanded and

 unhindered general conversation surrounding the perceptions of sexual

 relations in the mainstream consciousness.