As human beings, we often grow up with certain misconceptions about sex and intimacy. We pick them up from chatting with friends, watching tv – movies, too. Can you think of any questions you’re unsure of? Have you ever wanted answers to some of the myths you’ve heard?
Barbara Lee, author of the book Sacred Sex: Replacing the Marriage Ethic with a Sexual Ethic, who coaches organizations and people all around the world in making healthy sexual choices, says it is time to get real about what to expect from sex and intimacy.
Barbara speaks some truth about sex myths many people have been lead to believe.
Myth – You must orgasm to be satisfied.
Truth – Sometimes sexual interaction does not produce an orgasm and that is perfectly fine. It is not a sign of failure if you don’t have an orgasm or if your partner doesn’t have an orgasm. Stress, health issues, sleepiness or even an unexpected leg cramp can all act as deterrents to a sexual climax, but that doesn’t mean that sex isn’t still enjoyable, fulfilling and intimate.
“Don’t believe the myth and fake an orgasm,” Lee says. “If you are too concerned about how you or your partner ‘performs’ then you are not spending enough time relaxing, being authentic and enjoying yourself.”
Myth – Men are always in the mood and ready for sex.
Truth – Men are not sex machines in perpetual motion just waiting for their next opportunity to engage and explode. Men are sometimes not in the mood. A man’s sexual desire has a lot to do with his own sense of self-worth, his emotional state and his comfort with his partner. Sexual interest naturally comes and goes, it ebbs and flows. Even for men.
Myth – No one wants to be caught cheating.
Truth – Many people, particularly women, have affairs because they want to be caught. They want the affair to call attention to the problems in the marriage. They want the affair to be the catalyst that ends the marriage so that they can move on. Sometimes they need the assurance of a new relationship before they feel they can leave an unhappy one.
Myth – Affairs break up marriages.
Truth – Affairs do not create problems within a marriage. Affairs are what people do when they are unable, for whatever reason, to deal directly with the problems they are having with their partner. When two people are having difficulties, an affair allows them to “blame” the cheating partner or even the third party.
Myth – Sex addiction is all about sex.
Truth – Sex addiction is not so much about sex as it is about unresolved issues within the individual. There are generally underlying issues of shame and lack of self-worth that fuel a need for outside affirmation. Responding to this by heaping on additional layers of shame is not productive and in fact can contribute to the very problem that needs to be solved.
Check out Barbara’s websites for more information on her writings. She’s an amazing resource for sex and intimacy education.